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The first post-PPV Smackdown started with Theodore Long, Bragging about how Smackdown had dominated the Pay Per View. It was his Right to do so. Bursting with Smackdown pride, Teddy launched into a speech about how he planned on giving the Big Show a shot at the World Heavyweight title. What? Because he took the bullet for his supposed rival team? Pffffttt. Chris Jericho took umbrage with this decision, but he challenged it a little more poetically than I did.

Or like I said.......Pfffft.

But then Kane took umbrage  with Jericho’s claims and decided that he deserved a title shot instead. This is getting messy. I can feel a scrap coming on.  Why talk things over like mature adults when you can beat each other up?

Teddy pacified the two former co-captains by making the title match at triple threat.  Kane and Jericho would fight each other that night for the third spot in the match. Sounds like a plan. Good work, Teddy. That’s why you’re Vince’s bitch the boss.

Next we had a John Morrison vs Dolph Ziggler match. Ahhhh, nice to see my Zig back. I missed him so at Bragging Rights. Although, I really wish he’d keep his mouth shut. He came out, blistered John Morrison for losing to The Miz, claiming that everyone else (including him) played their part in making Smackdown the 2009 Bragging Rights champions. Having been ousted from Team Smackdown the previous week, Dolph really played no part in their success. John Morrison suggested that Dolph’s pride in winning the big trophy was a little premature….. similar to the rumours Maria had been spreading in the back about Dolph’s other shiny trophy.

Unless you happen to be the woman at the end of it. Or not, as the case may be.

So they had an awesome match, which was punctuated by Matt Striker’s brilliant commentary. If I can’t listen to JR, bring Striker in. Not only does he share my love of throwing song titles and lyrics into his commentary at inappropriate moments (this week it was Janet Jackson), but he also comes out with amazing random facts. I’m considering making Matt Striker Patron Saint of Wrestlegasm.com. After all, I still get a fair amount of web traffic from people looking for the pictures he took of his trophy. I fear the Catholic Church may object to this, so I’ll remain saintless. For now.

After bigging up Dolph Ziggler’s collegiate accomplishments, Striker went on to say “…and he has GREAT abs.” , I bloody love you, Striker. Come join me in my Cardiff wrestle bunker. We’ll count wrestlers’ abdominal muscles, listen to awesome tunes and figure out how to squeeze more references to The Smiths into your commentary. Todd Grisham was feeling upstaged, so he scoffed at Striker’s topic of discussion, then gave in to it by reminding us that John Morrison is the Ambassador of Abdominals. Easy, fellas. No need to squabble. Let’s aaaaall of us just enjoy the abs.

Back to the match! Ziggler did this……..

….. and smashed Morrison into the announce table. Dolph scrambled his way back into the ring and left the one with the prettiest hair in the land to be counted out. I expect this to lead to Ziggler getting a title shot, because there’s too much comedy mileage left in these two. Make it happen. Thanks.

Teddy Long’s office is a monument to product placement. I mean, just look. Four separate WWE Retail products in one shot. Bravo!

*Kerching

Now, this scene was all about CM Punk complaining about not having the opportunity of a rematch against The Undertaker. Naturally, Teddy was not inclined to succumb to this as he had already set-up the triple threat. Vince showed up and it appeared that, as usual, he would assert his authority and override Mr. Long’s decisions. Not this time. But he did feel that Punk had some unfinished business to attend to and gave him a match against that downtrodden referee, Scott Armstrong. REALLY!

Next, Beth Phoenix was taking on…………….

As this was Beth’s first match on Smackdown since the mini-draft a couple of weeks ago, it appeared we needed a reminder of just how immensely powerful she is. I couldn’t see the point of it myself. We know who Beth is and what she can do. I would like to have seen a new feud starting. But whatever. She won. She’s big and strong. We get it. Storyline now please.

Apparently, it’s Halloween weekend. I wouldn’t really know. The British generally shun Halloween as it tends to be an excuse for delinquent youths to throw eggs and flour at people’s cars. And it’s an American holiday. Boo! America. Sad. Because, having twice experienced Halloween in America it really could be a whole pumpkin full of fun. Alas, it is not to be. But I’ve got a large bag of Cadbury’s Caramel Minis in the porch if any brave kids decide to knock on the door. If none of them come, I’ll eat them all myself. Just as soon as I get my appetite back from this annoying bug. Yeah yeah, poor me, I know.

Vickie Guerrero was in the Halloween spirit and dressed up like a princess. I know I said last week that she was in need of a little nip-in-at-waist tailoring, but going for full whale-bone corsetry was a little extreme, Vicks.

Anyway, she introduced her beau, Eric Escobar and…..urgh isn’t he the most boring guy on the roster at the moment? Yawn. Just bring Matt Hardy out so I can complain about his baggy, cornflower-blue tights. Actually, the whole thing was kind of dull, so just know that Matt Hardy won, Vickie screeched and Escobar…. well …… did nothing.

So if you listened to my podcast (or watched Bragging Rights) you’ll know that Dave Batista turned heel on his familia, Rey Mysterio. Poor little dude. Confession: I actually said a little more about that on the podcast but due to my horrible editing skills I managed to delete what I said without being able to get it back. Broadcasting = trauma.

Rey was all dressed in black to represent his melancholy and he wanted an explanation. Yeah, Dave. Why you do wha’ you do, huh? Before Dave comes out, let me just say……

I know it's tough finding jeans that don't drag when you're short. I feel your pain. But don't roll.

Dave came out dressed in black to represent his badass-ness and told Rey to go away. No dice. Rey wanted to talk it out. And you know Rey was serious because he said ‘dawg’ and ‘homie’ a LOT. Dave wasn’t interested and told him once again to leave. Rey thought about it, but still he refused to disappear. You’ve got to admire his pluck. Rey tried his best, but Dave was all closed off emotionally. He didn’t even flinch when Rey brought up Eddie Guerrero.

*GASP*

Rey stood his ground, Dave got bored and then left to booing and hissing from the crowd. Heel turn complete.

And just to rub a little extra heel-juice into the wound, Dave attacked Matt Hardy while he was making a phone call, after Matt had tried to talk some sense into Dave.

He deserved that for having such a shitty phone. I know you don't do all that Tweeting from that thing, Matt.

Back in the arena, it was time for everyone’s favourite Scot, Drew McIntyre, to face everyone’s favourite Northern Irishman, Finlay. I am LOVING how Drew’s outfit is developing. Week-by-week the wardrobe department bedazzle him just that little bit more.

You’d think that Finlay and Drew would be pals. One from Antrim, the other from Ayrshire, they’re practically neighbours! But this is wrestling and they’re on opposite sides of the fence, so they must fight. As is becoming the norm for a Drew McIntyre match, it began and ended swiftly outside the ring. Come on now, Drew. Nobody’s going to respect you if you can’t pull off a proper match. I can’t defend you forever.

Like I said, it’s Halloween, which means the Divas have to degrade themselves and parade around in their horrible costumes. Work those ankles for the boys, ladies. I won’t spend too much time on it. It went like this.

CM Punk had his match against referee Scott Armstrong. Armstrong was badly hurt. Punk found it hilarious.

Let's go.

Jericho and Kane had to fight it out for a spot in the triple threat match with Big Show and Undertaker at Survivor Series, and they did so in rather impressive fashion. Two very safe pairs of hands. And I honestly couldn’t decide which way this one would go. Triple H and Shawn Michaels have to scrap against each other and John Cena for the WWE title on the Raw side, so it made sense that Jericho and Big Show do the same with Taker’s title. But Kane and Taker have got heated history and that would pit three of the big men against each other. As it turned out, they went with Jericho to keep the two brands even. Well what else was Jericho going to do for the next few weeks? Be Show’s cheerleader? Actually, I’d kind of like to see Jericho shimmying with some pom-poms.

I'd object, but that's kind of an accurate description this week. Apart from the sycophant part.

Before I start on the recap, I’m a bit late with this but a heartfelt get better soon for Jim Ross, who’s had a third attack of Bells Palsy. No jokes. Honest. My mum had it and it’s a horrible thing. Todd Grisham was off getting hitched and living the married life on his honeymoon, so we had a double-dose of Lawler-Cole this week.  Hmm. Come back soon, JR!

On Raw, Chris Jericho took great pride in the fact that Team Smackdown were working together in perfect harmony. But by the time Smackdown swung around, things weren’t looking so rosy. Shad Gaspard called in sick with the flu and JTG had to break the news to Team Co-Captain Jericho. And just when the situation looked like it couldn’t get any worse, Vickie G. and Eric Escobar showed up. And theeeeen, Dolph Ziggler turned up. Ok, Dolph ain’t so bad.  Then Drew McIntyre sauntered to the ring in, well, a dress. Oh dear. It all started so well with the diamante Scottish flags on his trunks and knee-pads. But as ever the costume department and have gone that step too far.

Now that's just silly.

Just like DX on Raw, Jericho and Kane wanted to test the commitment of their team, so they set up a match between the four healthy team members and a group of five Team SD wannabes. Cutting to the chase, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Tyson Kidd, DH Smith and R-Truth trounced the original team members. This meant theoriginal team members were ousted. WHAAAAT? No McIntyre or Ziggler at Bragging Rights?

Me neither, D. I'll protest on your behalf by wearing my new snow leopard PJs through the PPV

Over in Teddy Long’s office, Punk was getting all annoyed with referee Scott Armstrong for not wanting to go along with the plan to dupe The Undertaker once again. It seems he’s grown a conscience. But just was he went to leave, someone rather important made an appearance to change his mind.

John Morrison needed a warm up match before he faces former pal The Miz at Bragging Rights, so he was allocated Mike Knox. Mike’s alter-ego, evil Dr. Knox, reared his ugly head again. I couldn’t quite catch what he was going on about, some kind of abdominal trauma where bile leaks in to the bloodstream and causes the liver to collapse, placing the body into some kind of fatal shock. I dunno. According to Dr. Knox, even the most rock hard abs can’t save one from this terrible trauma.

So, yeah, they had a match where Morrison sealed the deal fairly swiftly.

Backstage Kane and Jericho congratulated their new team mates, and in another part of the arena Mickie James was having a natter with Mae Young. But their nice little chat was interrupted by Michelle McCool. Oh no, this means Michelle wants to talk.

Michelle and Mickie had a little war of words, which Mickie won by a mile. Mickie left, then Beth Phoenix tried to join in. Errrrm, Beth, I think you forgot to put your top on. Here, cover them up with my earmuffs.

Beth informed Michelle that from next week she’ll be coming after the Women’s title, then scooted off camera again. McCool scoffed, Mae Young commented, McCool told a lady old enough to be grandma to shut up, then a lady old enough to be her grandma slapped her right across the chops. It was  thing of beauty that will last forever.

Batista and Rey Mysterio teamed up against Kane and Jericho in their tune-up. It was fine. Nothing spectacular to report.

Swinging over to Teddy Long’s office, the three naughty stooges were trying to persuade Scott Armstrong that having scruples is overrated. Of course, this whole thing is deplorable, but it made CM Punk smile. A LOT. I can’t remember the last time he looked that cheerful…..

Back in the arena, Mickie James kicked Layla into the middle of next week, which was wholeheartedly deserved. Seriously, Layla, pink PVC holdups with ski-pant elastic around the shoes?

CM Punk did a whole speech about how he’s going to ruin The Undertaker. He smiled a lot and pointed at the camera. I swooned like a swooning swooner from Swoontown.

So, Teddy reluctantly took his place at ringside, the referee took an even more reluctant place in the ring and Taker made his way down the ramp.Normally, a dress and some bad fake-bake would be The Undertaker’s worst problem. But this week his hair was doing a whole load of hellish stuffs.

Reminds me of Tom Jones before he realised he was biologically too old to have black hair.

Wales' favourite son

Actually, it was a strange week for hair all round. Maybe he ran out of hot wax or maybe he’s just going for the Tom Selleck look, either way, Punk seems to be growing his chest hair back. Unlike most ladies, I don’t have any strong feelings either way about chest hair. Smooth or shaggy, I’m really not bothered. As long as there’s not a really excessive amount of back hair, I’m cool . If so, I’ll get you some wax. Pronto.

Looks itchy

The build-up to this match was so blatant that it was quite obvious Punk would lose.  I mean, seriously, if WE can see you plotting to bring him down, so can THE UNDERTAKER. It was pretty entertaining though, watching Taker pick each aggressor off one by one.  Teddy’s gonna be in trooooouble!

It’s almost time for Bragging Rights. I need a quick cat-nap. See ya later!

So as we know, there will be a brand vs brand, seven-on-seven tag match at Bragging Rights next week. Being the captain of Team Smackdown, Chris Jericho got the show started, and holy hell did he look suave this week? It seems a few days without Big Show cramping his style paid off.

As team captain, Jericho  had the important task of assembling a crack commando unit to destroy DX’s Raw team.  So livid was Jericho in discussing DX, he ended up ripping their book to shreds right there in the ring. HEY! CHRIS JERICHO! That was MY copy of the new DX book. Now I won’t be able to read it!

All this paper shredding was interrupted by Kane, who appointed himself co-captain. Jericho did not feel tempted to argue. Kane expressed his happiness at the new alliance by doing this.

There are five space left to fill on Team SD, so Mike Knox, Finlay and Dolph Ziggler butted heads for the next available position. It seems that Dolph wasn’t just wearing the leopard print for Maria. He really likes it. Good for him. I like a man who isn’t afraid to make bold fashion choices. Even if they are hideous. Ziggler won the match  and took his place on Team Smackdown. Maybe he pulls in some kind of Samson-like strength from wearing all that snow leopard print. And if that’s where his strength comes from, he won’t mind if I take some shears to his peroxide locks. Excellent. I’ll be round as soon as I finish writing this, darl.

The next match was Cryme Tyme vs The Hart Dynasty for two places on the team. Cryme Tyme won, which was a real shame. It could have been a great opportunity to give the boys in pink a push. Oh well. Cryme Tyme are further up the food chain at the moment, I suppose.

Back in the locker room, Chris Jericho was making sure that Michelle McCool understood the importance of Smackdown being the dominant brand. All she had to do was nod her head in agreement. She didn’t need to speak. She spoke. I was thinking, they should get Michelle to record those self-hypnosis CDs that help you drift off to sleep at night. Could be quite the money spinner.  I’ve never been so glad to see Mickie James.  And I’m ALWAYS glad to see Mickie James.

Mickie was looking super-cute. Glitter-dress, pearls, sparkly hair clip. Delightful. And despite being pretty much half Michelle McCool’s height Mickie managed to frighten her away. You’ve got to keep your eye on us short people. Years of height inferiority complexes give us a feisty edge. Or maybe that’s just me.  Mickie wasn’t the only former Raw Diva to step up to Michelle. Big, mean Beth Phoenix got in her way too. And even she had a spangly dress on.

Over in another part of the arena CM Punk was trying to persuade Mr. McMahon to call off the Fatal-4-Way match at Bragging Rights. Vince refused, claiming that he couldn’t stop a match once it had been advertised. Really? Never stopped you before. Anyway, Vince did agree to allow Punk and Undertaker to re-enact their Breaking Point submission match on next week’s Smackdown. Teddy had to be at ringside and Scott Armstrong would be the referee. Punk wholeheartedly approved. Uh-oh. Taker won’t liiiiike iiiit. Who wants to tell him?

It occurred to me at this point on Friday night that, when polite, soft-spoken and smiling, CM Punk is an extremely persuasive man. If wrestling doesn’t work out for him he could totally get a job in telesales. With that smile he could sell me anything. Maybe even the idea of a Straight Edge lifestyle. Which would have been plausible had I not been pondering this while chugging down a Friday night bottle of Tiger. Just the one though. Honest. You can’t have a curry without a bottle of Tiger.

Over in the arena, Vickie Guerrero was back! I had no idea how much I missed her until I heard………

She escorted her man to the ring, where he was joined by his opponent, Matt Hardy.  Matt Hardy looked like he had the measure of Escobar, but Vickie sat under the ropes, started squealing like a piglet caught in barbed wire and pointed fervently at her shoes.

Well don't come crying to me about it NOW! I warned you about the dangers of ankle straps months ago and you didn't listen

I really did.

All this fashion trauma distracted Hardy long enough for Escobar to take the match and grab a place on Team Smackdown. What? A dirty player AND worse hair than Ziggler? HATE HIM!

My angst was chased away by one of the best segments I’ve seen on Raw or Smackdown in ages. The Miz and John Morrison are having a singles match for brand bragging rights at the PPV. But there is so much more at her stake than brand supremacy. As we know, Miz and Morrison used to be bros. They loved each other. Like brothers. When they were separated at the annual draft back in April they were crushed. The end of a beautiful bromance.

Of course, right after that picture was taken The Miz knocked Morrison to the ground and buried the brotherhood forever.  This is the first time in six months they’ve been brought back together and it was genius. The Dirt Sheet returned, but this time the only people they bagged out were each other. Nothing I can say will top what they came up with, so just watch. Favourite jibe? Tricky. But probably the one that went something like …..

The final place on Team Smackdown was taken by Drew McIntyre, who defeated R-Truth. Hmm. Team Smackdown looks….young. But maybe that’s how they’ll tout it if SD win the seven-man tag. The future of the company blah-blah-blah.

Back in the male locker room Batista and Rey Mysterio were discussing the fact that they had to fight against each other that night. Rey was all for it, but Dave was feeling sad that they couldn’t work together. Stop being such a wuss, Dave. Suck it up! The most important thing to address about this conversation was……..

First of all, who does the Louis Vuitton luggage belong to? That’s a VERY expensive suitcase. Do you know how many LV cases go missing in airports? I’m not gonna lie, if I worked in baggage handling I might have to make one disappear too. So maybe kleptomania is the coolest mania of all. Christmas is coming so if anyone would like to treat me to a bit of classic LV, I’ll happily accept.

Secondly, who on Smackdown would wear an old Legacy t-shirt? Ted and Cody don’t have any friends on Raw, let alone Smackdown. I shall have to contact my insider spies and find out who Legacy’s new SD bedfellows are. I’ll report back if I come across and juicy gossip.

The Undertaker can’t do in-ring promo two weeks in a row. Disco smoke and blue lighting for an entire arena are very pricey. And they already blew the weekly pyrotechnics budget on Kane’s temper explosion at the beginning of the show. So he did a bit of something in a store cupboard instead.

Just one match left and it was Rey Mysterio vs Dave Batista. Todd Grisham announced Rey’s arrival with…..

No, Todd Grisham, it’s Booyaka, Booyaka, 619! We’ve talked before about using inappropriate and incorrect urban lingo. Not that I would ever do that. Shizzle ma nizzle dizzle. Nope. Still don’t get it. I hope someone’s ordered me that translator for tomorrow’s Raw.

Anyway, the match got started and Dave wasn’t taking it seriously at all.

Dave, it’s wrestling. Stop trying to apply logic to it and just fight for goodness sake. Being the scrappy little terrier he is, Rey Mysterio kept biting at Batista’s ankles until he actually started fighting back. Then Dave felt guilty.

This back and forth between love and fake hate went on for some time until Dave tried to end it with a Batista Bomb. But Rey swung himself between Dave’s legs on the drop-down, flipped things around and pinned Dave for the win. What was I telling you about short people? Scrappy. Of course, they’re like family, so Dave & Rey hugged it out and everything was peachy again. But that wasn’t the end of it. Just as Rey was celebrating in the ring and Dave was making his way to the showers, that scoundrel CM Punk showed up. He stuck the GTS on Rey, did some amazing finger guns, pirouetted  his way over the security barrier and disappeared into the crowd.

It’s ok, kids. I was just joking. Punk didn’t really shoot Rey Mysterio dead. Look, his Daddy made everything better.

Awwww. Sweet.